My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
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So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.