My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“I FIXED IT!”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate