My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
You Might Also Like
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Me in tagged photos
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy