My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

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Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review


I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.


I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name


[me trying to do magic]
Is this your card?
Is THIS your card?
“Not even close”
What about THIS?
“Trent thats literally a piece of ham”


My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.


*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.


When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.


I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.