@meganamram

My grandma can hold her breath for over sixteen years!

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@DaddyJew

[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…

@AristotlesNZ

I don’t know how you women do it. Every time I try to “sleep my way to the top” I get woken up and sent to HR.

@Playing_Dad

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

@rockyandthesun

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

@_coryrichardson

me: why does no one like me

therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons

@meghaffer

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

@JesKeepSwimming

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

@noog

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

@sammorril

People always say “congrats” when someone says they’re pregnant, but I think “oh no” should be used much more often.

@PaperWash

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice