Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“You’d better run, egg!”
I can’t wait!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature