@novicefather
@Jandalize
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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@Jandalize
@robdelaney
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
@AubriePesky
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
@TheCatWhisprer
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
@JJSummertime
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
@XplodingUnicorn
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
@KayRants
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
@chuuew
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
@RexHuppke
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
@mack44_d
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.