My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

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Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?


My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.


[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster


My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.


Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.


5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.


One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.


COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.


“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party


I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.