Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Holy moly
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Any time a child tries to guess my age.