@novicefather

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

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@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

@robdelaney

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

@AubriePesky

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

@JJSummertime

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?

Me: What?

5-year-old: A horse.

@KayRants

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

@chuuew

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.

@RexHuppke

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

@mack44_d

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.