@novicefather

My grandma coined the term “TC” in 1988 to refer to her tuna casserole.

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@TheHatStore

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

@HenpeckedHal

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

@jonnysun

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them

@MissHavisham

My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.

@stockejock

WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?

ROCK HARD ABS!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?

RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!

@Smug_Lemur

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

@Mom_Overboard

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

@thejessbess

(interviewer): do you have any questions? (me): ya can a werewolf bite really kill a vampire?

@EliTerry

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

@jakob_huber

“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”