Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.