[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
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They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.