My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Boom, boom, ching!
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.