@PeachCoffin

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

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@UncleDuke1969

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

@StarWarsProblms

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

@AnnietheNanny1

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

@LOsepyan

We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@ValeeGrrl

ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@Mostly_Cheese

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”