<- sleeps well with others
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
You Might Also Like
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
We should let prisoners take their own mug shots…I shall call it “The cellfie”
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I’m ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”