My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
My dog ate my work from home.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire