my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES