#KarenAndTheCat 😉
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Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.