@WheelTod

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

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@thedad

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

@DeLMarSan

Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.

@NewDadNotes

I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

@seethenare

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

@daemonic3

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

@bobvulfov

[a dolphin kisses me at sea world]
ME: so like what are we