@WheelTod

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

@BlindChow

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

@iMonkGreen

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

@SIGKILL

in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter

@tomsegura

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

@steeve_again

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice