4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t
*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
in which a Twitter developer finally discovers Twitter
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
-Do u want the buffet?
-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*falls from grace*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
The dating pool definitely has pee in it