My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle