¯_(ツ)_/¯
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.