My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.


I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.


My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.


Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?


Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.


[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird


[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?


I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken


Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower.

Mine is Crankshaft Tulip