My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
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You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.