@SadieSkyNinja

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

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@GrillinChillin9

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

@NotthatAdamWest

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

@SaltyCorpse

My son got a Country Boy sticker for his truck. I wrote “but I live on a golf course and I’m afraid of cows” under it bc I don’t like lies.

@FeverFlave

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

@Auzzie78

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

@NicestHippo

[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird

@Sean_Burgundy_

[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?

@Sickayduh

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

@bombfunk75

Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower.

Mine is Crankshaft Tulip