hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.