My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.