MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

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Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.


googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom


Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing


Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.


When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.


[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time


Having kids isn’t that bad, just don’t have like the really young ones.


I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.