@FrazzleMyGimp

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

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@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.

@chaoticugly

googling “bible verses to use in an argument” before going to dinner with my mom

@caitieekk

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

@sixthformpoet

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.

@BDGarp

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

@iLikeCatShirts

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

@Thee1_4U

Having kids isn’t that bad, just don’t have like the really young ones.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.