What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
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Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
teens: i’ll cheat on you
20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys
30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you
My parents: we have something to tell you
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
[throws bread to a duck]
Duck: I have a boyfriend
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]