*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
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“Do you wanna build a snowman?”
“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”
*Pulls out carrot
“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
How much can this one swallow?
sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.