If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
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My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Worth a try
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!