@WorstCassie

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

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@just1fool

“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”

@Skoog

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

@daemonic3

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

@johntoconnor

How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way

@LostFelicia

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

@riscfuture

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

@mommywhitfield

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.