My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

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“Do you wanna build a snowman?”

“Sir, this is a Build a Bear shop.”

*Pulls out carrot

“Oh, you brought a carrot. Sure, whatever.”


me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?


Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans


“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am


How much can this one swallow?

sir that one does 1.6 gallons per flush and please stop describing it that way


Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?


Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”


“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.