Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot