If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
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Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Ovenable?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.