@VirgoSherry

My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.

My grandmother told me the secret to staying thin is…….if it tastes good spit it out.

- @VirgoSherry

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@TheMichaelRock

HR: You can’t urinate outside.

Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away?

HR: Can you take a drug test?

Me: Nope, I’m all out of urine

@murrman5

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

@CoolHegel

“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut

@maisonshouting

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

@tyleroakley

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

@ilovepie84

Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.

@robdelaney

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

@mindflakes

I’ve invented a new kind of waffle maker that makes 300 waffles per minute whether you want it to or not

@roxiqt

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

@TweetsByTheTony

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.