My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.