My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

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I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don’t pay $4,000 in 7 days, I’ll lose 3 fingers.


I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.


Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”


You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.


when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”


I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.


I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.


My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.