My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Left at a local drug store…
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Why is no one talking about this?!