My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

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Siri just said I’m looking for love in all the wrong places so I’m tryin to figure out what happened to Siri and how my mom got in my phone.


Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.

Always finish what you start.


Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…


[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-



[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-



Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.


[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.


QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?


Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.


My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky.