Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that