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@sofarrsogud

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

@_Water_Baby

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

@jake_lach

In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.

@OBiiieeee

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

@michaeldean0116

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

@arcadeseals

wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken

@briangaar

Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?