A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
wife: please, don’t let our son down again
me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken
Hey, did you ever get that job you talked about for weeks then abruptly stopped mentioning?