kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
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Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
“A little help here, Danny?”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.