@Jerrypleasure

my grandpa got bitten by a spider and he was really upset so i went to get some cream but before i could leave the room i heard him say “at this age i can’t handle the responsibility of being a spiderman”

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@KylePlantEmoji

Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?

Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years

Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?

Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen

Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?

Me:

Her: when’s my birthday Kyle

Me:

Me: happy b-

Her: it was yesterday

@jay_slidin

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

@markysumm

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

@lisaxy424

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

@SashaBrenner

One of the wheelchair basketball team players has been tested positive for WD40 🙁

@seanbgoneill

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

@Nahdude83

Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
Jim: Hmm

[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@TuffyNyC

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”