I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog