me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
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Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.