my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.