my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

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imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”


Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.


*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*


Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.


Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.


*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*


Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.


friend: wyd?

me: working

friend: and wyd after?

me: sleeping for work tomorrow


officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football

detective: for crying out loud!

officer: most likely yes


5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.