Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
You Might Also Like
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.