EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
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Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?