My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
crying
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”