I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist