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@FuckabillyRex

Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?

@iamhorcrux

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@Douchekevin

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.

@DammitLarry1

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

@ThisOneSayz

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

@themorris23

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

@EllenPallas

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

@JordyHamrick

So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.