@samalmightysam

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

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@junejuly12

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

@cloudypianos

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

@sixfootcandy

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

@AshleyFrankly

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

@TheBoydP

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

@Divergentmama

I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.

*kids all still sleeping