@samalmightysam

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

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@ArfMeasures

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@ThaJawn

(Animal school)

Lion: That’s my desk

Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu

-5 minutes later

Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!

@Mr_Kapowski

If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son

@InternetHippo

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

@sucittaM

You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!