GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Lion: That’s my desk
Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu
-5 minutes later
Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!