You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”
Two days have passed, no reply.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I dont know what everyone is complaining about – this *homeschool thing is a breeze.
*kids all still sleeping