My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.