@ArfMeasures
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
@samalmightysam
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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@ArfMeasures
@AnniemuMary
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
@ThaJawn
(Animal school)
Lion: That’s my desk
Wildebeast: Sorry, I’m gnu
-5 minutes later
Sloth: *slowly falling from chair* Ha. Ha. Ha. Gnu!
@BrooksErrDay584
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
@Mr_Kapowski
If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son
@weinerdog4life
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
@InternetHippo
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
@sucittaM
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
@DothTheDoth
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
@ArfMeasures
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!