@samalmightysam

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

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@BuckyIsotope

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@BoogTweets

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

@ArfMeasures

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

@Lhlodder

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

@HomeWithPeanut

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

@GrantTanaka

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

@green_eyed_doll

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

@Ndeshi_M

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

@ClichedOut

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good