My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
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A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Canada has crack?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Cat.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
He took my last fry, your honor
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.