You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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I think I’m having a stroke
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
the official breakfast of 2021
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-