My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).