My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Whoa 😂
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out