Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

much to think about

getting old is fun

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

old twitter is back baby

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

This guy gets it.

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My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.