My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Good morning, Twitter x
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.