My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.