“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Not today.. 😂
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Body by sandwich.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.