@junejuly12

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

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@AmishPornStar1

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

@_Kim_Jongun

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

@anerdonfire2

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

@david8hughes

To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.

@OzCricketFan81

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

@007Rex_Inc

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

@Iffy_Penguin

me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.

@katbento

Why hasn’t a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented?

What are our scientists doing?