Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
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How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
me: then why is your slogan “finger lickin’ go-”
kfc clerk: -your own fingers.
Daughter: Daddy, can you tell me a bedtime story?
Me: Sure, once upon a time your mom & I used to get enough sleep. Then you came. The end.
Why hasn’t a phone that charges itself just by scrolling the screen ever been invented?
What are our scientists doing?