@junejuly12

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

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@jonnysun

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

@ShesARealGenius

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

@BoogTweets

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

@LinajkReturns

If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.

@OneFunnyMummy

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

@Manda_like_wine

Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.

@RedBeard3000

Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking

@Marlebean

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

@Reverend_Scott

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

@markhoppus

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”