“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

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“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”


Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”


A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.


If he’s hot on your heels, dump him.

You do not want a man who looks better in your shoes than you do.


My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.


Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.


Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: no sir
0: you were swerving
M: Twitter
O: oh, I’m on Twitter what’s your handle
M: yes, I was drinking


Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.


Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.


“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”