My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
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I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
How it started: How it’s going:
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal