My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
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When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.