My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
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My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.