My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
The first matador
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Breaking news:
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)