@bornmiserable

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

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@peachesanscream

New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.

@DaddyJew

That awkward moment when you’re in bed & go to take a sip of your drink but don’t feel like doing a sit up and start waterboarding yourself

@lazerdoov

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@garrettbarry70

[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”

@Cpt_Burnout

My husband is the nicest guy that I could ever dream of (murdering).

@Eric_Bader

Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.

@DangerZoneJunky

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@SomeChrisTweets

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.