@krisv_723

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

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@HomeProbably

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

@envydatropic

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

@SortaBad

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

@TheBoydP

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@SteveSuckington

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

@drayzze

Don’t forget: It’s never too late to start making really important life decisions based on your horoscope!

@david8hughes

*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”

@CVTBaby

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

@HaliPhacks

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.