My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

You Might Also Like


I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.


If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist


Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before


I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.


*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?


Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.


Don’t forget: It’s never too late to start making really important life decisions based on your horoscope!


*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”


Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.


Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.

Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.

Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.