My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
You Might Also Like
Yup.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.