Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
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FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
They did not miss in the small print
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday